Son A Few Good Men: Final Court Speech

Son, we live in a world that has goal posts, and those post have to be guarded by men with full pads and caged facemasks. Who's gonna do it? You? You, Pete Carroll? I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You weep for Louisville, and you curse Florida St. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know - that Oklahoma's complete interior catacylsmic meltdown, while tragic, probably catapulted shitty undeserving teams such as Michigan into the top 25; and Matt Leinart's existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, allows him to get high school girls from the hit TV show Laguna Beach naked in his dorm room bed. You don't want the truth because deep down in places you don't talk about outside USA today poll parties, you want Notre Dame ranked in the top 10 -- you need them in the top 10. We use words like "honor," "Montana," "Heisman," "Weis." We use these words as the backbone of a life spent defending the greatness and mystic of our Lady's University. You use them as a crutch to your jealously. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the country leading national championships and Heisman trophy winners that I provide and then questions the manner in which I provide it. I would rather you just said "thank you" and give us a first place vote. Otherwise, I suggest you break it down to a three point stance and throw a block. Either way, the Irish are going to be whiffting the sweet nectur of roses in Southern California come January.

- the judge advocate