Genesis 1: The Beginning of Weis

In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.

Now the earth was formless and empty, having only mediocre football teams, such as Army and the Wolverines, while the magnificent Spirit of Notre Dame was hovering over the waters.

And God said, "Let there be a real University," and then there was Notre Dame. God saw that Notre Dame was good, and He separated Notre Dame from the darkness of short-winded façade-like winning streak universities. God called Notre Dame the "Irish," and the darkness he called ridiculous versions of over-sized bubble head mascots, like Badgers, Orangemen, and Trojans. And there was a first national championship for the Irish, and there was a second – these were the Rockne days …… then came the first game of Weis…..



And God said, "Let there be an expanse between these two former NFL coaches to separate an offense mastermind from a tag-a-long coach that only could win with Ricky Williams." So the Irish made many advances and separated the pathetic panthers from the ranks of the AP top 25. And it was so. God called the advances "Nasty" And there was another night celebrating at underage bars, and there was Sunday morning chilling in Fitz – then came the second game.

And God said, "Let all the Irish under the sky be gathered to one place, and let us all gather at the Big House so we can all see just how strong my Irish are." And it was so. God called Charlie Weis’ new offense the "Playstation Offense" And God saw that it was good.

Then God said, "I never liked the third game, so let’s not talk about the third game. See how I have treated the Spartans; they have a horrible stadium, and no fan base, but now I am done with them.

And then God said, "Let there be lights on the beautiful Dome and Basilica to show all that visit how Notre Dame is different from other places, and let them serve as signs to mark winning seasons and days and years, and let those light on the Dome and Basilica give light on the earth." And it was so. God made these two great buildings —the Dome to govern the day and the Basilica to govern the night. He also made the stars, you know like, Quinn, Fasano, Samardzija, and Walker. Weis set them in his “Playstation Offense” and gave them the training necessary to govern the likes of Michigan, Tennessee, and other unworthy football “programs.” And God saw that it was good. And there was a great domination of Washington—the fourth game.

And God said, "Let the Irish produce a break-out game, to show the World how strong they are, they will, run, pass defend and catch, each according to its kind." And it was so. Purddont was soundly defeated. God made the Irish Offense according to wild tigers, the Defense according to angry hyenas, and all the fans that cheer them along according to His angles. And God saw that it was good, for he never liked Pudue.

Then God said, "Let us make Weis in our image, in our likeness, and let Weis rule over the entire league, let him rule them like God does the fish of the sea and the birds of the air, over the livestock, over all the earth, yes Weis will rule the coach like the unintelligent fish mongers that they are."

So God created Weis in his own image,
in the image of God he created him;
male and dominate he created Weis.

God blessed the Irish and said to them, "Be fruitful and increase in number your victories and National Championships; fill the earth with Heisman candidates. Rule over the Trojans of the SC and the Wolverines of the Michigan and over every college football team that moves into the NCAA."

Then God said, "I will give you a powerful SC opponent to have the whole world how strong you are. They will be yours for food. You will outplay them. And to all the fans of the earth and all the ESPN pundits of on air and all the Coaches that move on the ground, everything that has the breath of life in it — I will give them a great game to show that you are the best team in the country." And it was so.

God saw all that he had given the Irish, and it was very good. But he must also give them humility, so he let them lose on the last play of the game. And there was sorrow, and there was mourning, but the Irish became stronger — the sixth game.

Thus the Irish and Weis were completed in all their vast glory.

By the seventh game God had finished the work he had been doing; so on the seventh game he rested from all his work And God let the Irish feast on the seventh game and made it a holy game, Mormon’s vs. Catholic’s, and we all know how that was going to turn out.


--Taylor Creed