Curious

Pete Carroll: Hey, do you fellas know a.. a guy by the name Charlie Weis?!!

Matt Leinart: Yeah, I know Charlie Weis! He's a 10-foot-tall beast man, who showers in Vodka.. and feeds his baby Shrimp Scampi..

Reggie Bush: Best damn coach in the NCAA!

Matt Leinart: He orchestrated the merger between UNICEF.. and Smith & Wesson.

Reggie Bush: Weis went public with his own buttocks.. and made $7 million.

Pete Carroll: [ holds glass in air ] To Charlie Weis!

Together: Charlie Weis!!

Matt Leinart: We once had a bachelor party for Weis. He ate the entire cake.. before we could tell him there was a stripper in it..

Reggie Bush: Weis once hosted the Grammy's, and gave every award to Corey Hart!

Pete Carroll: He has a toenail on the end of his penis!

Matt Leinart: Weis got his wife pregnant.. and she gave birth to a delicious 16 oz. steak..

Reggie Bush: The afterbirth was sauteed muchrooms!

Pete Carroll: Weis's family crest is a picture of a barracuda eating Neil Armstrong!

Reggie Bush: [ thrusting glass in the air ] To Charlie Weis!

Together: Charlie Weis!!

Woman: [ walking up ] Excuse me, do you know where the payphone is?

Reggie Bush: Piss off, sister! And get us some pretzels!

Matt Leinart : [ waving her off ] Yeah!

Woman: You guys smell awful. [ walks off ]

Reggie Bush: [ unaffected ] Did I ever tell about the time Weis was in a production of "The King & I"?

Pete Carroll: [ interrupting ] Every morning I crap the bed!

[ silence ]

Reggie Bush: Anyway.. on opening night, Weis chloroformed the entire cast.. and slowly eats them in front of the audience for two hours! The production got pretty good reviews..

Matt Leinart: He breast-feeds John Madden!

Pete Carroll: Weis named the group Sha-Na-Na! They did not want to be called that..

Reggie Bush: If you drop a phonograph needle on Weis's nipple, it plays the Beach Boys' "Pet Sounds".

Matt Leinart: They use Weis's foreskin as a tarp when it rains at Yankee Stadium !

Pete Carroll: Weis directed that commercial where the women play basketball in heels!

Reggie Bush: He wears a live rattlesnake as a condom!

Matt Leinart: All.. the Yes album covers.. are Weis Family photos.

Reggie Bush : Darryl Hawkins has a summer home in Weis's groin!

Matt Leinart: [ almost tossing glass into the air ] To Bill Braskey!

Together: Charlie Weis!!

Pete Carroll: Hey, did I ever tell you about the time Weis taught his son how to drive?

Matt Leinart: [ interrupting ] I'm.. legally.. retarded!

[ silence ]

Pete Carroll: Anyway.. Braskey taught his son to drive by entering him into the Indy 500. The kid wrecked, and died. Weis said, "It would have happened sometime!"

Matt Leinart: Weis's semen can form into a liquid human!

Pete Carroll: Like the guys in "Terminator 2"!

Reggie Bush: He thinks Iron-Man is gay!

Matt Leinart : He framed Roger Rabbit!

Pete Carroll: Weis used to ride upon a steed, perchance to spy a lady..

Matt Leinart: To Charlie Weis!

Together: Charlie Weis!!


Reggie Bush: Did you know Charlie Weis is the godfather of my son?

LenDale White: Charlie Weis?

Reggie Bush: Well, anyway.. he shows up at the church in his golf pants, caked in mud. Well, ol' Charlie Weis pushes the priest aside and says, "I'll baptize that piece of calimari!" Then he pours Scotch all over my baby son and says, "There! You're baptized!"

LenDale White: And your son is blind to this day!

Pete Carroll : Yeah, he makes brooms somewhere in Georgia, doesn't he?

Reggie Bush: I have no idea. [ pause ] To Charlie Weis!

Together : Charlie Weis!!

Matt Leinart: Did I ever tell you about the time Charlie Weis sold me into slavery?

Pete Carroll: Well, if you're talking about Charlie Weis, I believe it!

Matt Leinart: Oh, yeah! He puts me on a ship to Thailand, right? And I'm chained to a pipe. Meanwhile, ol' Weis, he's back in the States siring three beautiful children with my wife!

Pete Carroll: I hate Charlie Weis.. but I respect him!

Guy At Bar: Are you talking about Charlie Weis? I know Charlie Weis!

Pete Carroll: Then let me buy you a round!

Reggie Bush: Hey, easy, Coach, easy.. To Charlie Weis!

Together : Charlie Weis!!

LenDale White: Did I ever tell you about the time Charlie Weis showed up at my daughter's wedding? You know my daughter, she's a beautiful girl.

Pete Carroll: I tell you, I'd like to have sex with her!

LenDale White : Well, Weis shows up.. and you know he's a big fella.

Reggie Bush: Goes about 7'8", 530.

LenDale White: Well, he's standing right between me and my daughter at the ceremony. He's got no right to be there, but he's drunk and he's Weis! Well, long story short: the priest accidentally marries me and Weis! [ the guys laugh ] Off! Off! Off! We spend the weekend in the Poconos - he loves me like I've never been loved before!

Matt Leinart: Best damn salesman in the office!

Together: Charlie Weis!!

Reggie Bush: You know how Weis served three tours in 'Nam?

LenDale White: Uh-huh!

Reggie Bush: Well, I'm in Corpus Christi on business a month ago, and I had this eight-foot tall Asian waiter.. which made me a little curious, so I asked him his name, and sure enough it's Ho Tran Weis!

Pete Carroll: To Charlie Weis!

Matt Leinart: Oh, yeah!

LenDale White : Hey, you ever go camping with Weis?

Reggie Bush: Many times.

Pete Carroll: I went camping with Weis, his wife, and his daughter Debbie!

Reggie Bush: Debbie Weis?

Pete Carroll: Debbie Weis. She's 7-years-old, goes about 3'5", 55 pounds. So, I'm in the back of a pickup with Charlie Weis and a live deer! Well, Weis, he grabs the deer by the antlers, looks at it and says, "I'm Charlie Weis! Say it!" Then he squeezes the deer in such a way that a sound comes out of its mouth - "CharlieWeis!" It wasn't exactly it, but it was pretty good for a deer!

Reggie Bush: That's Charlie Weis!

Together: Charlie Weis!!

LenDale White: I once saw him eat a whole live chicken.

Pete Carroll: His favorite movie is "One on One" with Robby Benson.

LenDale White: Charlie Weis once gave me a videotape of him having sex with my wife, and it was the most beautiful damn thing I ever saw!

Matt Leinart: I have that tape!

Guy At Bar: [ turning around ] So do I!

Reggie Bush: To Charlie Weis! A ten-foot-tall, two-ton son of a bitch who could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing!

Together: Charlie Weis!!

Big Booming Voice: [ from extremely tall figure in upper camera angle ] Did someone say Charlie Weis?

[ the guys get excited and raise their glasses in the air towards Charlie Weis ]

Together : Charlie Weis!!

Together: Charlie Weis!!